Almost a Year Since the Last
Here we are, part way into August 2013… Just a couple of months shy of 12 months since my last post. Kinda gut wrenching re-reading all of those- Which I believe I promised I wouldn’t do. Oh well, I promise a lot of things and don’t follow through.
Anyway, like I said, here we are, almost a year later and what do I have to show for it? A few good things actually… I’ve lost about 70 lbs and gained a shit ton of muscle. I am down 8 pants sizes and closer and closer to my goal. I digress, my purpose for logging in after all this time, is not to boast and toot my horn or talk about food and weight. It gets a little pathetic after a while. Not that this is going to be any less pathetic, so here it goes: I’m struggling and I don’t know what else to do but write it down.
I’m being really good right now because I’m feeling very motivated but for the last few months, I’ve been quite the slacker. I’ve let a few lbs come back and I’ve lost quite a bit of strength as proved by my workout tonight. It’s been frustrating to lose my motivation but at the same time, It’s been a little liberating. I haven’t spent ANY time worrying about what goes in my mouth. None. It’s been a nice little break but like I said, I have some extra “baggage” to show for it. Oddly enough, the weight isn’t really what’s bogging me down. It’s the emotion of it all. The last couple of days have been rough for me. I’ve feeling very very very very… Insecure… Doubtful… Ashamed… I don’t really know how to put it into words. All I know, is I haven’t felt like myself. I’m cranky, less confident, less enthusiastic and I’m ridiculously sensitive.
I’ve let some pretty petty things get under my skin… One in particular which I’m not gonna blast on the internet for the whole wide world to see, but it involves a girl and a guy- the girl is not I and the guy is mine. I’ve said I won’t lose sleep over it but I found myself WIDE awake from 2am-4am thinking about it, on and off. Feeling one way and then talking myself out of it. The reality of the situation is, I’m just very uncomfortable. Another petty thing I’ve let get me down is other people’s opinion about my appearance- Honestly, FUCK OFF. If I’m not your idea of “ideal” then, move along. I didn’t ask your opinion and I’m certainly not going to cave to your judgement. Hahaha… Right! Of course I am. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing all of this down. Here’s the scoop… If I could fix all the things everyone didn’t like about me, I would. In a heart beat. Because, once said out loud… They become things I don’t like about myself, too. Yes, it’s that easy. Does that make me a bad person? Oh well. I can’t help it.
I really don’t know what the purpose of this was. I think I just needed to get it all out. It may not make sense, and I’m not going to proof read it. I’m just gonna publish and call it a day. I hoping this will help me get rid of this nastiness and get back to being me. My goal for the week: 1. Eat Paleo 2. See how little fucks I can give
So far, I’m winning in the Paleo but for number 2 the scoreboard reads:
Fucks Given: 1298743587634875326531298348765
Fucks Not Given: 0