Almost a Year Since the Last

Here we are, part way into August 2013… Just a couple of months shy of 12 months since my last post. Kinda gut wrenching re-reading all of those- Which I believe I promised I wouldn’t do. Oh well, I promise a lot of things and don’t follow through.

Anyway, like I said, here we are, almost a year later and what do I have to show for it? A few good things actually… I’ve lost about 70 lbs and gained a shit ton of muscle. I am down 8 pants sizes and closer and closer to my goal. I digress, my purpose for logging in after all this time, is not to boast and toot my horn or talk about food and weight. It gets a little pathetic after a while. Not that this is going to be any less pathetic, so here it goes: I’m struggling and I don’t know what else to do but write it down.

I’m being really good right now because I’m feeling very motivated but for the last few months, I’ve been quite the slacker. I’ve let a few lbs come back and I’ve lost quite a bit of strength as proved by my workout tonight. It’s been frustrating to lose my motivation but at the same time, It’s been a little liberating. I haven’t spent ANY time worrying about what goes in my mouth. None. It’s been a nice little break but like I said, I have some extra “baggage” to show for it. Oddly enough, the weight isn’t really what’s bogging me down. It’s the emotion of it all. The last couple of days have been rough for me. I’ve feeling very very very very… Insecure… Doubtful… Ashamed… I don’t really know how to put it into words. All I know, is I haven’t felt like myself. I’m cranky, less confident, less enthusiastic and I’m ridiculously sensitive. 

I’ve let some pretty petty things get under my skin… One in particular which I’m not gonna blast on the internet for the whole wide world to see, but it involves a girl and a guy- the girl is not I and the guy is mine. I’ve said I won’t lose sleep over it but I found myself WIDE awake from 2am-4am thinking about it, on and off. Feeling one way and then talking myself out of it. The reality of the situation is, I’m just very uncomfortable. Another petty thing I’ve let get me down is other people’s opinion about my appearance- Honestly, FUCK OFF. If I’m not your idea of “ideal” then, move along. I didn’t ask your opinion and I’m certainly not going to cave to your judgement. Hahaha… Right! Of course I am. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing all of this down. Here’s the scoop… If I could fix all the things everyone didn’t like about me, I would. In a heart beat. Because, once said out loud… They become things I don’t like about myself, too. Yes, it’s that easy. Does that make me a bad person? Oh well. I can’t help it.

I really don’t know what the purpose of this was. I think I just needed to get it all out. It may not make sense, and I’m not going to proof read it. I’m just gonna publish and call it a day. I hoping this will help me get rid of this nastiness and get back to being me. My goal for the week: 1. Eat Paleo 2. See how little fucks I can give

So far, I’m winning in the Paleo but for number 2 the scoreboard reads: 

Fucks Given: 1298743587634875326531298348765
Fucks Not Given: 0 

A (silly) Bus Metaphor and a Little UMPH!

The ones who tell you ‘you won’t’ and ‘you can’t’ are the ones most afraid ‘you will’. 

If I really sit back and reflect on this for a minute, I realize, I am the only person in my life who doubts me. My family is supportive and my friends are supportive… So, what’s the catch? I am afraid to change. Why? Because I’ve spent 29 years being exactly who I am and being (mostly) comfortable with it. And now, I want to change the way I look (lose weight, grow my hair out, get (finish) my sleeve tattoo, ditch the glasses etc.), I want to change the way I eat and I want to change some of my major (personality) characteristics. 

Yes, I realize, in the long run all of these things are going to make me better. But why do I want to be better? Shouldn’t I just love myself for whom I’ve become? Shouldn’t I have maintained a certain level of self awareness for the last 29 years so I wouldn’t have to make all these changes at once? The answer to these questions is simple… Yes.

But then, why change? What makes me think I’m worth change when I’ve squandered 29 years of my life? Maybe I’ve missed the bus… Maybe I should just let the bus pass… Mayyybe I should just lay down in front of the bus and let it hit me. 

I’m not going to. I have a bus to catch. I’m going to take the bus over and I’m going to steer it wherever I choose. There is only one stop along the way and that stop is success. I won’t stop until I get there. I will probably slow down and lose my way but I’m not gonna stop. 

The only difference between try and triumph is a little UMPH!


I’ve been “CrossFitting” for the last 6 months and have made many revelations about myself. Some revelations I’ve chosen to ignore, some I’m embarrassed about and some I’m realizing may never ever change. One of the most major revelations I’ve made is: I’m downright scared of a lot of things. I’m not talking fire and guns and zombies. I’m talking box jumps and hand stands and GHD situps. Fear drives me to hold back and slow down and rethink a lot of things when it comes to “giving it my all”.

The reality of many of the situations is, I’m scared to make an ass of myself. I’m scared to fall or look funny or fart or make a funny face or squeal or something silly. But the majority of my fear comes from the little voice in the back of my head that says: you’re gonna hurt yourself. I’m not talking an actual athletic injury, I’m talking shinning myself on a box jump, eating shit sprinting, tipping over on the GHD or slipping out of it. What’s even worse than all those things combined? Puking. Nah, that doesn’t fall under the “ass making” or “boo boo” category… It falls under the nightmare category. I’ve puked ONCE (really three times but only once that truly counts) in my 6 months. One time. That’s it. Once. Some people puke on a pretty regular basis. So often, in fact, that they talk about it like it ain’t no thang. But once was enough for me.

I’m constantly hearing this little voice in my head that says, “don’t trip”, “don’t fall”, “don’t push too hard, you’ll puke”. Well, some of the best athletes I’ve ever witnessed, fell on their face, tipped over, lost their balance and puked. It’s like puking is a right of passage and each puke thereafter is a badge of honor in the CrossFit world. Sadly, I’ve no badges but one measly little puke. The puke heard around the world.

From now on, my main goal is to not let fear hold me back. I know I’m strong enough to do 1/2 if not all of the things I’m most afraid of. I know my arms are strong enough for a handstand, I know I jump high enough to hit that 20” box jump, I have faith that I’m not gonna tip over in the GHD, I also know I’m strong enough to recover from a little bruise or a scrape or a bump or a hurt ego. I just need to push myself and have more faith in myself that no matter what happens: bump, scrape, bruise or pukie… I did not have unreasonable fear.

Fear causes hesitation and hesitation causes your worst fear to come true.

The Rambles of a Struggling Human Being

I am having a hard time. A hard time in general. I’m struggling with food, with emotions, with my attitude, with my workouts, with my sleeping patterns, with life…

It’s hard not to blame everything going wrong, on food because I KNOW when I eat well, EVERYTHING falls into place. When I eat well, my emotions are more evenly keeled. When I eat well, I don’t want to kill everyone around me. When I eat well, I train REALLY well. When I eat well, I sleep well, wake up hungry, happy and horny. And last but not least, when I eat well… Everything just seems so harmonious. 

So, why can’t I just stay on the wagon? Who the fuck knows! It’s like I have one bad day and I turn to a pint of ice cream or some double stuffed Oreos, instead of turning to things that ACTUALLY make me feel better. Why can’t I just pick up the phone and call a friend or family member? Why can’t I just get up off my ass and pound pavement? Why can’t I just turn to some decent food and journal my emotions like a normal human being? WHY? Well, this question WILL NEVER be answered, I’m sure. Or maybe the answer is not as complicated as I’m making it seem. Either way, I’m not in the mood for any more self reflection.

Tomorrow, I’m going to make an effort to eat completely Paleo/Primal (because I’ll probably have some dairy) for 5 whole meals. I’m also going to try to drink my body weight in ounces of water… Or maybe just half!

Not to get all cliche but I think this is going to have to be a “one meal at a time” kind of process for a while until I get back in the swing of things. 

My Commitment:

Chicken and 2 hard boiled eggs

Snack #1

Ground beef, avocado and lettuce

Snack #2 
Asparagus and Yogurt 

Turkey Burger and brussels sprouts with bacon 

Back on the Wagon… T-O-M-O-R-R-O-W

You see, when you have OCD like I have OCD, it only makes sense to start new things or restart old things on certain days. Like Monday, Monday is always a good start over day or Wednesday, Wednesday is in the middle of the week and can be tracked easily orrrr if you’re in it for the long haul, the 1st or 15th of a new month… Both good as well. What DOESN’T make sense is starting a new routine on a Thursday or on the 12th or some bullshit like that. It just doesn’t make sense. I promise.

So, tomorrow… June 1st, June 1st seems like as good a day as any (you know, besides all the bullshit ones like Tuesday or the 18th) to reset my goals and really determine what “works” for me. I can tell you what DOESN’T work for me, what doesn’t work is working my ass off/depriving myself of everything I love with results that are less than satisfying. It’s just not worth it to me. It damages my emotions, my psyche, my self love/tolerance/value etc.

Here’s what I have up my sleeve:

I’m going to resume with the all natural way of eating- only eating things I can hunt or gather- you knowwwww, without the hunting and gathering part.

Reason: I’ve seriously felt like pure shit for the last 13 (not that I’m counting or anything) days. I haven’t slept well at all, every muscle in my body aches and not in the good “I just worked my ass off” way, I get a headache almost every single day, I am passing out at my desk around 3pm either because I ate some shitty processed food or because my fucking sleep patterns are all out of whack, I’m grumpier than a stripper with no dolla dolla billz and last and certainly least (yes, you read that right), I  notice a difference in the appearance of my body and the way my clothes fit.

I’m going to become religious about taking my supplements- Fish oil, Glutamine, Taurine, 5-HTP, Multi Vitamin etc.

Reason: Fish oil for joint and muscle health (along with 500 other benefits), Glutamine for muscle rejuvenation, Taurine for anxiety relief, 5-HTP to help curb carb cravings + mood support and a multi vit for hair, skin, nails etc. etc. etc.

I’m going to love myself and not worry about what the scale says or how I look in the mirror. Rather, I’m going to embrace being healthy, feeling good and knowing that regardless of results, I am working hard and laping everyone on the couch. My time will come. It just may not come as soon as I want it to. And that is something I need to find solace in.

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try. -Beverly Sills

Gluten and Sugar and Dairy, Oh my!

Uninspired and growing tired…

I just re-read my last blog… Yes, one of the many things I said I wouldn’t do… And I have to say, if you felt like kicking me in my proverbial nuts for sounding like a douche bag, I don’t blame you. I used words like “lifestyle change”, ha. What a crock of shit. Nothing about my lifestyle has “changed”.

On May 17th, 12 days ago, to be exact, I had my measurements taken and the results were less than ideal, in my opinion (remember… This is about ME). Yes, I dropped 13 of my total 20 lbs in those 30 days and yes, my body fat percentage dropped 2% but THATS ABOUT IT. I had nearly zero change in inches… As a matter of fact some things even got bigger.

Since that day, I’ve been eating and drinking whatever the hell I want. I can easily look at my supporters with puppy dog eyes and say… But I’m a food addict. And while that may be true, absolutely none of this is fueled by addiction, it’s fueled by self pity and self sabotage… Which is way worse. I could easily put down the shitty food and start eating right, I just don’t want to. I really don’t.

I’m pissed because I’ve waited this long to change my bad habits, I’m pissed because 90% of the people I know can change 1 or 2 things about their diet and shed major weight, while I on the other hand, have to practically deprive myself of everything good in this world and get little payoff. I’m pissed because my shoulder hurts and it’s preventing me from doing what I love most about CrossFit, lifting heavy. I’m pissed because I’m stuck in a rut, I’m pissed because I’m letting my fuck its get the best of me and I’m pissed because I’m just fucking pissed.

For those of you reading this, I’m sure you’re thinking everything I’ve been trying to tell myself. Trust me, I “like” all the cheesy photos on Facebook that all the CrossFit pages post, hell, I even repost some of them in hopes of encouraging someone to do something I am not willing to do myself. I post things on a daily basis that I should be telling myself… I. Am. Preaching. To. The. Choir.

I know things aren’t going to change until I’m willing to let them and I know things only suck as much as I let them but right now, I’m unwilling to make a change and I’m very willing to let shit suck and let shit suck the life out of me. I’m just in a bad place with my eating and working out. If there’s one cheesy thing I’m holding on to, it’s: This too shall pass.

I hope…

Health Benefits

Obviously there are a lot of health benefits when it comes to the lifestyle change I’ve made. Aside from the obvious- losing weight and getting strong… I’ve just stumbled upon one major thing… A big fat decrease in my “fat girl asthma” aka exercise induced asthma.

For 3-4 weeks now, I’ve been eating all natural foods (with the exception of dairy - up until 2 days ago) which are naturally wheat and gluten free… Why you ask? Well, because I can’t go out and hunt or gather wheat nor gluten. That’s why.

Anyway, research has shown that people who commonly suffer from exercise induced asthma experience little to no episodes when gluten and wheat are cut from the diet. Tonight my coach had us running insane hill sprints- an exercise that would usually make my asthma come up on me, but I haven’t had one symptom at all this evening.

While I was showering, I was pondering the possibilities… Maybe I didn’t train hard enough (as if), maybe the environment was just right and nothing really irritated me…

Let’s face it, both of those possibilities are bogus. We were training right next to a park, where I’m probably allergic to 80% of what is in that park. So, I kept thinking… Finally, I thought about my diet. The only thing that I’ve eliminated from my diet recently is wheat a gluten.

So, I text my coach, asking him about my revelation and he confirmed… I am not off my rocker. Pretty rad, huh? Kinda makes me want to do 6am hill sprints…

Key word: kinda.


Right now I am seriously SO hungry. I didn’t eat enough throughout the day today. Low on fat and protein. I’m sitting here surrounded by snacks and cookies and I can’t eat any of it. I mean, I could… But I’m not gonna waste my hard work on some refined sugar and empty calories. I’m just not. Usually I’d be munching on some cheese but dairy and I have called it quits. Are sausage links and appropriate midnight snack?